By Cam John

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When a loved one has an eating disorder, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to best support them. Especially if you have never known someone with an eating disorder, you can feel uncertain about knowing how not to upset them or worsen their eating disorder. Whether someone is in recovery for an eating disorder, recently shared with you that they might have an eating disorder, or shows concerning signs of disordered eating or an eating disorder, it is important to know how to best convey a message of compassion and understanding. Here, I share a few words and phrases to say and not to say to a loved one with an eating disorder.

To start, it is important to understand a few guidelines about how to have these conversations with your loved one. In general it is best to use “I” statements when discussing your loved one’s eating disorder to keep the focus on things that you have observed and prevent your loved one from feeling like they are on the receiving end of hurtful accusations. Additionally, these are difficult conversations for your loved one to have as well, so you should be prepared that they may negatively react to your concerns. To deal with this, you should restate your concerns, maintain a nonjudgmental attitude, affirm to your loved one that you care, respect their autonomy and boundaries, and let them have space to speak their mind as well.  

What Not to Say

1. “You look good.”
   1. Although you may think that this will improve their confidence or encourage them to maintain their recovery efforts, an eating disorder’s causes lie far deeper than how they feel about their physical appearance. Many biological, psychological, or sociological factors influence someone’s eating disorder, so commenting on their physical appearance may have an unintended negative effect. It may encourage the person to maintain their disordered eating habits to receive more compliments about how they look or discourage them from continuing recovery if it appears that they have gained weight. 
2. “Why don’t you just eat?”
   1. You may get frustrated with your loved one who is choosing to do something that harms their body, but it is important to maintain a message of encouragement and create a sense of emotional safety so that they can feel empowered to fight against their eating disorder. Also, it can cause your loved one to feel guilty and misunderstood, potentially fueling the negative feelings that contribute to their eating disorder.
3. “You ate a lot of food today.” 
   1. Despite the intention to praise your loved one for a seemingly adequate food intake, it may have the unintentional effect of making them more self-conscious of their eating behaviors. Furthermore, although an adequate food intake is important for recovery, commenting on the amount of food they eat can trigger them to engage in their disordered eating behaviors as a way to counteract that progress. 
4. “If you don’t stop, I’ll stop talking to you.”
   1. Giving a loved one ultimatums like these can increase feelings of guilt and shame that may enable their eating disorder. This can also increase feelings of loneliness if they feel that they could be abandoned by a loved one for engaging in their disordered eating behaviors. While it can be incredibly difficult to see a friend or loved one struggle, it is vital to create an environment where they feel genuinely loved, safe, and supported. 

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What To Say:

1. “I hope you know how incredible of a person you are and how much you mean to me.”
   1. One of the most effective ways to show your support to your loved one is to help shift their focus onto their non-physical capabilities and away from their appearance. This can include complimenting their kindness or intelligence. This focus on their non-physical attributes can help them see that their character is more important than their appearance.
2. “I understand that this is difficult for you, and I know how hard you are trying.”
   1. Recovery from an eating disorder is no small feat. It is a process of fighting against harmful thoughts and behaviors that have helped your loved one cope. Therefore, validating this hard work and acknowledging those efforts can affirm the care and support you give to them.
3. “This must be really hard for you. How do you think I can help?”
   1. A simple inquiry into how you can help your loved one can be so impactful while they struggle with a mental illness that they may know you cannot fully understand. Therefore, allowing your loved one to have the agency to tell you how you can help them, instead of assuming, can bring them a sense of comfort and care that can strengthen them along their journey.
4. “I am concerned about you and I think you could benefit from an eating disorder professional’s help.”
   1. Lastly, you as one person cannot “fix” your loved one, as much as you may want to. However, you can encourage them to seek a trained professional who can help them recover from their eating disorder. This can be a scary step for your loved one, as they would have to commit to relinquishing a coping mechanism that they may feel helps them get through their day. Therefore, supporting them throughout the process of seeking professional help is paramount. Arise can be a resource that helps your loved one along this process of recovery. Our eating disorder care team provides comprehensive, inclusive, and accessible care that can support your loved one to navigate their relationship with food and body image. 

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Hopefully, with these tips you will feel more emboldened to have conversations with your loved one about their eating disorder and help them access the help they need and deserve.